Pibgorn by Brooke McEldowney

Brooke McEldowney stands, when his posture is good, at 6 feet 8 inches tall. One of the curiosities of his life has been that passersby perceive this as a contrivance to attract attention, like face-painting or playing a kazoo.

"How tall are you?" people ask him in elevators, making him feel awkward and a little passive-aggressive.

"In heels or flats?" he answers, and steps off at the next floor, no matter what the floor is, because dramatic exits are everything.

"You ever play basketball?" strangers nearly always inquire.

"No. Viola," he says, not to be confusing but to tell the truth – even though his answer succeeds in confusing and, thereby, affords him a little dollop of pleasure.

He has often noticed that, when people encounter him, their first question is not, "Hey! Are you a cartoonist?"

"That's right," he can imagine himself saying, in a dangerous, he-man, Sgt. Rock sort of way, "and I can tear your head off with a flick of my wrist."

But they never ask that. He thinks it's because of his glasses. People who wear glasses just don't look like the sorts who would tear your head off. They look like the sorts who would stamp your book at the library and whisper what the late penalty will be.

Even so, nobody ever says, "Hey, do you stamp books at the library?"

"That's right," he would say. "And the late penalty is I'll tear your head off."

Instead, they say, "You ever play basketball?"

"No. Viola," he says, and gets his feeble kicks from watching the confusion.

Brooke McEldowney is 6 feet 8 inches tall. He never played basketball, and never wants to. He is a musician and a cartoonist. However, he will not answer for his actions if your books become overdue.