Dear Abby by Abigail Van Buren

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• FUTURE WITH MAN PAYING FOR HIS PAST IS CLOUDED

  DEAR ABBY: I'm a 60-year-old woman with grown children. My husband and I divorced after 30 years of marriage because he met someone at work. It was a quick process, and because I was in shock, I agreed to the terms of the divorce even though they weren't in my favor.

  Two years ago I met a very nice man who treats me with respect and love. He wants a future for us, and so do I, but I can't get over one thing: He has two illegitimate children -- one he didn't even know about -- and although the son is an adult, he is still paying back support.

  I hate to sound like a snob, but this situation isn't OK with me. I'm afraid I will always bring it up when I am angry. I'm thinking maybe if we wait until the support obligation has ended I might feel different, but who knows? I'd appreciate some advice. -- CAN'T GET OVER IT IN GEORGIA

  DEAR CAN'T GET OVER IT: I know very few people over 35 who don't carry some kind of baggage from past experiences. You don't have to approve of everything in his suitcase, but if you plan on having a long-term relationship with this "very nice man," you will have to accept that he is fulfilling his legal obligation.

  Dragging the past into the present during an argument is an unhealthy expression of anger. It's guaranteed to drive a partner away. Until you can find a more constructive way to work out disagreements, you shouldn't marry anyone.

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  DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are in our 30s and have been married 15 years. Over the past year we have been intimate only about once every three months. I tried to spice things up to see if I could get him interested, but he reacted by becoming upset, defensive and insinuating that I have an unnatural fixation on sex.

  After some discussions, it turns out he's having erectile dysfunction problems. I was relieved to know it wasn't lack of interest, but now I'm even more confused by his unwillingness to see a doctor. It has been a couple of months since he confided his problem to me, but he has done nothing to try and correct it.

  I offered to go to the doctor with him, have joint therapy -- I even tried being a little extra kinky to see if it would help.

  He still refuses to see a doctor or go to therapy. I'm completely stumped and unsure what else to do. Any advice will truly be appreciated. -- NEEDS LOVIN' IN CALIFORNIA

  DEAR NEEDS LOVIN': You have done everything you can do. Your husband may be embarrassed or afraid, which is why he's avoiding going to a doctor. Be supportive, but you need to ask him what he plans to do about this -- if anything -- because the absence of physical affection is unfair to you.

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  DEAR ABBY: My 14-year-old granddaughter "Lana" has unfriended me on Facebook twice during the last week. Her mother told me she has been unfriended, too, because Lana doesn't want adults seeing what she's doing on Facebook. How would you handle this? -- NANA IN OHIO

  DEAR NANA: I'd suggest that Lana's mother tell her daughter that if she wants to continue on Facebook, she had better keep Mom and Grandma as friends.

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  Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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  To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $7 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price.

  COPYRIGHT 2013 UNIVERSAL UCLICK

  published Sunday, May 05, 2013

  GRANDMA CAN SPEAK UP TO KEEP PHONE CONVERSATIONS PRIVATE

  DEAR ABBY: My granddaughter and her boyfriend live in another state, and I love hearing from her. However, when I call her, she always puts me on speaker phone, which I find rude.

  I have never met her boyfriend and don't feel he should be in on everything I may talk to my granddaughter about. I think she's forming a bad habit. Am I wrong for feeling this way? -- PRIVATE GRANDMA IN FLORIDA

  DEAR PRIVATE: I don't think so. Not every word that comes out of your mouth should be community property. The next time it happens, all you have to do is say, "Honey, take me off the speaker, please."

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  DEAR ABBY: My wife, "Carlene," is a neonatal ICU nurse who is required to work a certain number of holidays. For the past 12 years, her family has feigned attempting to accommodate her schedule and then planned holiday events at the same exact time and place as the year before. They have ignored repeated explanations and don't seem to care if we come or not.

  For example, last Thanksgiving they once again made a big deal about everyone sending their schedules via email. We responded that Carlene would have to work until 3 p.m. Shortly after, we received a call from the host, who said: "We know you can't make it, but the celebration will be at 12 sharp! Maybe we'll see you some other time."

  Abby, my wife feels like she is unimportant to everyone. She plans to stop attending all family events and celebrate only with me and our daughter. While that would be easier, I know it probably isn't the best solution. Should I support her decision, or is there some answer I haven't thought of yet? -- LET DOWN IN TEXAS

  DEAR LET DOWN: Your wife should make no decisions about future celebrations while she's angry. If she follows through on her impulse to boycott all family events, she will be cutting her nose off to spite her face.

  On those occasions when it's not possible to attend extended family gatherings, celebrating with immediate family seems like a sensible solution. Or consider hosting the celebration yourselves so you can set the party time.

  Your wife may have self-esteem issues that need to be addressed if she's taking this personally. As a nurse caring for the most fragile of infants, she's doing important work that should be respected. Please tell her to remind herself of that fact any time she feels "unimportant" because her efforts make the difference between life and death.

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  DEAR ABBY: I got pregnant by a man I'll call "Ryan," who was just a fling. When I told him, he told me to have an abortion. He even had a friend of his call, offer to pay for it and drive me.

  Instead, I decided to "abort" Ryan from my life. I never told him when our baby was born. Part of me feels bad because I think every child should know his/her father and family members. Another man has been willing to step up and be a daddy for my child.

  Should I even bother to let Ryan know? Should I give him a chance to rise to the occasion or keep things the way they are? -- LIVING MY LIFE IN INDIANA

  DEAR LIVING YOUR LIFE: This is really a question you should ask a lawyer, just in case Ryan has already risen as much as he intends to. Whether or not someone has stepped up to be your baby's daddy, Ryan has a financial obligation to that child.

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  Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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  For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $7 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)

  COPYRIGHT 2013 UNIVERSAL UCLICK

  published Monday, May 06, 2013

  HOPEFUL LOTTERY WINNERS WANT TO SHARE FORTUNE WITH SPOUSE

  DEAR ABBY: I'm responding to your request for comments about the letter from "Happily Single" (Feb. 13) and whether a divorce would be the first course of action upon winning the lottery. In a community-property state, a divorce after winning wouldn't legally protect you from having to share the spoils with your soon-to-be (and probably now bitter) ex-spouse.

  My husband and I have talked at length about what we'd do if either of us won the Powerball jackpots, and no, divorce was not on the list. We'd start by consulting a lawyer/financial planner to find a way to protect our privacy before claiming the money.

  I suspect the comments from "Happily's" co-workers are evidence that unhappily marrieds group together -- or enjoy complaining about their spouses. Either way, it's sad. Studies show that complaining about a spouse significantly decreases one's satisfaction in a relationship. While we all "vent" from time to time, if talking divorce is your first response to a jackpot win, then you're in the wrong relationship. -- IN IT FOR THE LONG HAUL

  DEAR IN IT: I hit the jackpot with the huge response I received about that letter. And the majority of readers said they would not divorce:

  DEAR ABBY: I am a lottery winner, and I feel blessed and proud that I can take care of my wife the way she deserves. Within two minutes of my win I was on the phone with her, telling her to quit her stressful job. We now have a wonderful life, with more than we ever hoped for. -- SATISFIED IN THE SUNSHINE STATE

  DEAR ABBY: I'm single, but that letter didn't surprise me. I think a lot of people feel they must be married by a certain age, so they end up "settling." Read some of the crazy lottery winner stories posted online, and you'll see people trade in their spouses because they feel they can do better or "move up," kind of like buying a bigger, better house. I'm not saying it's right, but it happens. -- CINDY IN ARLINGTON, VA.

  DEAR ABBY: If I won the lottery, the first thing I'd do is get married. We're waiting so we can afford the nice wedding we both want. -- STEPHANIE IN SAUGUS, CALIF.

  DEAR ABBY: The first thing I'd do if I won is pay off all my debts. I'm already divorced. -- DIANA IN TEXAS CITY, TEXAS

  DEAR ABBY: I wouldn't consider getting divorced if I won, but I might finally buy that second husband I've been wanting but can't afford. -- TACOMA READER

  DEAR ABBY: I've been married for 40 years. If I won I would not divorce. There's no way I'd want to give him half the money. I would stay married so I could have control over the money he spent. It would make up for all the years that he would pinch my pennies and make me squeeze a nickel till the buffalo pooped. -- WISHFUL IN OHIO

  DEAR ABBY: If I were to win the lottery, I would trade all of it just to have one more hug and one more night talking with my wife, who died 16 years ago. Our children were young when she died, and I have tried my best to raise them to be good adults. But my heart still aches over losing her to cancer. I believe all widows and widowers would agree with me on this. -- TRENT IN OKLAHOMA

  DEAR ABBY: "When" we win, my husband and I plan on going into a self-made "witness protection program" to hide from the long-lost relatives. But we will absolutely do it together. -- HOPING IN GEORGIA

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  Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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  To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $7 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price.

  COPYRIGHT 2013 UNIVERSAL UCLICK

  published Tuesday, May 07, 2013

  COUPLE FINDS RECIPE FOR A LASTING AND LOVING MARRIAGE

  DEAR ABBY: My husband came up to me after dinner, wrapped his arms around me and asked, "Honey, is there anything we need to discuss?" In his hand he held an envelope on which I had written your name and address. When I told him it was a request for a copy of your cookbooklet -- not a request for marriage counseling -- he was relieved. We have been "cooking up" a wonderful life together for 10 years.

  Somehow I managed to misplace your cookbooklet. I have read that there is now a set of two of them. Would you please give me the ordering instructions? Thanks, Abby! -- JEAN IN RICHLAND, WASH.

  DEAR JEAN: I get a lot of letters like yours and I'm glad to oblige. Once you start looking at "Cookbooklet II" you will see that a sweet tooth runs in my family. Many readers have told me the dessert recipes in my cookbooklets are great for entertaining, and actually save calories because they are divided among a greater number of people. The raw apple cake with caramel glaze serves 16! My booklets are sold as a set and can be ordered by sending your name and address, plus check or money order for $14 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price. Remember, "an apple a day keeps the doctor away," and this recipe requires five or six of them. (Think of the fiber!)

  My cookbooklet set contains more than 100 tasty recipes for soups, salads, appetizers, main courses and desserts that can be used when friends and families get together to celebrate holidays and special occasions.

  I have been told by some readers that they have been used as the basis for Dear Abby-themed dinner parties. (The place cards were decorated with hearts and flowers, and the centerpiece was a "bouquet" of envelopes addressed to me.)

  P.S. Your husband sounds like a sweetheart. My mother once said the secret to a lasting marriage is a husband who lasts, so feed him well and he will.

  DEAR ABBY: I work in a skilled-care facility. I am also preparing for law school. Today one of my co-workers humiliated me in the presence of others by asking if I have been gaining weight. I giggled and said, "Probably."

  She proceeded to say that I have gained "a lot" of weight in my "fat face" and told me to get on the scale so she could see how much. I told her it's none of her business.

  She has done this to me and other co-workers before. Our supervisor likes her and doesn't reprimand her. How should I handle this? -- GETTING IMPATIENT IN ILLINOIS

  DEAR GETTING IMPATIENT: Handle it by ignoring this unpleasant person and avoiding her whenever possible. So should any other co-worker she has offended. Any time she attempts to embarrass any of you, it should be reported to your supervisor's supervisor -- individually or en masse -- because the failure to act on your concerns is allowing a hostile work environment to exist.

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  Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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  ** ** **

  COPYRIGHT 2013 UNIVERSAL UCLICK

  published Wednesday, May 08, 2013

  CELLPHONE SNOOP SUSPECTS FRIEND OF HAVING AN AFFAIR

  DEAR ABBY: I have a friend who I believe is having an affair. I have no concrete evidence, only a slew of circumstantial evidence such as odd work hours, blocks of mystery time set aside at night in his cellphone's day planner, and evading questions about texts from females.

  I have no idea how to approach him, or if I even should. I wouldn't know how to begin the conversation with him because I have no solid proof. I always considered him to be a decent individual, but in the back of my mind now I'm thinking, "He's cheating on his wife!" What makes me uneasy is that it's all based on my hunch. I'm usually pretty good with my hunches, though.

  Any words of wisdom would be welcome. -- NICK IN NEW ENGLAND

  DEAR NICK: What are you doing going through your friend's cellphone day planner and reading his texts? He doesn't have to account to you for his time. For all you know the man may be in a 12-step program or a therapy group. If he wanted you to know what he's doing, he would tell you. Right now the "friendliest" thing you can do is mind your own business.

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  DEAR ABBY: I have worked at my job almost 10 years. Most of the owners are nice, and the staff is great. I like my job most days.

  I had a really bad week recently. I felt like I couldn't do anything right. The week ended with a really angry text from my boss. He was right. I was in the wrong, and I apologized. He sent me another text, still angry, and my whole weekend was ruined by it. I kept thinking how mad he was, and how in a few days, I'd start my week in the doghouse.

  I can't figure out how not to take work home with me. Also, I can't help but think he was wrong using a text as a means of discussing the issue. I don't want to make him angrier. How do I confront this issue? -- STILL UPSET IN OREGON

  DEAR STILL UPSET: It would have been much better management if your boss had talked with you face to face about what was wrong with your performance. By now, your boss should have cooled off, and I suggest that you have a private chat with him and say that if he has a bone to pick with you, you would prefer to hear it from his lips rather than have it communicated in a text, which was hurtful.

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  DEAR ABBY: After my best friend of more than 20 years, I'll call him Tim, told me his wife had cheated on him, I confessed that I am in love with him. His response floored me. Tim announced that he has been in love with me all this time and can imagine growing old with only me.

  A friend told me I'm committing adultery with Tim because he is now in the process of leaving his cheating wife for me. Am I? We haven't been intimate, nor do we plan to sleep with each other until the divorce is final.

  I have loved Tim far longer than she has been in the picture, and I feel this is a chance for happiness that fate has offered us and we are meant to grow old together. Are we wrong to pursue a relationship? -- CONFLICTED IN CALIFORNIA

  DEAR CONFLICTED: If Tim has been in love with you all these years, he couldn't have had much of a marriage. His wife's infidelity was his "get out of jail" ticket and he took it. I don't know what your "friend's" definition of adultery is, but according to Webster's dictionary, you're not committing it.

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  Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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  To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $7 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. Shipping and handling are included in the price.

  COPYRIGHT 2013 UNIVERSAL UCLICK

  published Thursday, May 09, 2013

  GRANDSON'S CHOICE OF TOYS IS CAUSE FOR FAMILY'S CONCERN

  DEAR ABBY: I am a longtime reader but a first-time writer. My problem has been bothering me for some time now.

  We have a grandson who is 4 and very much a "princess boy." He likes girl toys and dresses and doesn't like any of his boy toys. We're at a loss about how to handle this.

  He's an adorable little boy and we love him to pieces. His parents don't accept this behavior, and I'm afraid it will affect him now and in the future. How would you handle this? We don't say anything to his parents because they are pretty much in denial. -- WORRIED GRANDMA

  DEAR WORRIED: If he were my grandchild I'd talk with the parents. I, too, am concerned about how their attitude will affect the child in the future, because parents are supposed to love and accept children the way they are, and sexual orientation is inborn. Children who feel consistent disapproval grow up thinking they aren't good enough and don't measure up -- which can be a self-fulfilling prophecy.

  I would "handle this" by making sure my grandson knew I loved, accepted and valued him just the way he is. If that means allowing him to play with the toys of his choice in my home, that's what I'd do. And if he showed more interest in art, music and dance and less interest in sports, trucks, etc., I'd support that, too.

  I'm glad you asked this question. Your grandson may or may not grow up to be gay or transgender, which is what I think your letter is really about. Regardless of what his orientation is, it's very important that he knows he is valued for who he is.

  ---

  DEAR ABBY: I know this boy that I really love. He's nice, smart and funny and I think about him all the time. He says he loves me back.

  Is this true love, or just a mutual crush? I know I'm only 13, but I think I'm in love. Is it ridiculous to think I have found true love in seventh grade? How can I tell whether it's love or not? And what would you consider the usual age to find your perfect other half? -- CONFUSED IN LOVE

  DEAR CONFUSED: No one can predict how old you will be when you meet someone who is your perfect other half. People's interests and needs evolve as they grow older, and what seems perfect today can seem less so when viewed through the lens of life experience.

  I would never label your feelings as "ridiculous," but when you are in love, there is usually no doubt about it. Because you need to ask someone else if what you're feeling is true love, then it probably isn't.

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  DEAR ABBY: I met a guy on an online dating site. It turns out I know him. He works at a store I shop in three times a week. He's nice, funny and everything I'm looking for in a guy except he's 25 and I'm 17.

  He knows how old I am and for a while he was fine with it. Now he thinks I'm a cop and I'm going to bust him for trying to have sex with me 'cause I'm underage. He explained why he thinks that, and he made sense. But I'm not a cop. I gave him information trying to prove I'm not.

  Abby, I really like him. How do I prove that I'm not a cop? How do I show him he can trust me? -- NEEDS ADVICE IN OREGON

  DEAR NEEDS ADVICE: Undercover cops are older than 17. Because you say this man was "fine" with seeing you, but now is pulling away, it is possible that he is trying to let you down without hurting your feelings. You are not yet out of high school and this man is far ahead of you in life experience. Rather than try to talk him into having a sexual relationship with you, you would be much better off finding someone your own age.

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  Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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  For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $7 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)

  COPYRIGHT 2013 UNIVERSAL UCLICK

  published Friday, May 10, 2013

  HAPPY TWEEN IS TROUBLED BY FEELINGS OF DEPRESSION

  DEAR ABBY: I am a 12-year-old girl who is happy, healthy and doing great in school. But lately I have felt sad, lonely and just plain frustrated. I used to talk to my parents about it, but I don't feel comfortable doing it anymore, and my friends don't like listening to me.

  I have tried hard to push back these feelings, but it is putting a strain on me. Sometimes I break down crying and can't stop. Most people think it's just my age, but it's not. It's more than that. I want to talk to a psychologist, but I'm scared to ask for one. What do you think? -- SO MIXED UP

  DEAR SO MIXED UP: Admitting you need professional help with a problem isn't something to be scared of. It is a sign of maturity. Your mood swings may be caused by the hormonal changes going on in your body as you are becoming a woman. However, because they are of concern to you, it is important that you let your parents and your pediatrician or a counselor at school know how you are feeling. It's the surest way to get the reassurance and, if necessary, the counseling you think you need.

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  DEAR ABBY: My 6-year-old daughter wants a dog more than anything in the world. She mentions it at least once a day.

  She's a great kid, well-behaved and doing well in school, so I hate to disappoint her. But I have absolutely no interest in taking on the added responsibility of a pet like that.

  My wife and I work long hours and our home is unoccupied for most of the day. It would have to be adjusted to be pet-friendly. I have nothing against pets, but I could never be considered an animal lover. We currently have two goldfish, but I can see that the time those guys bought me is quickly running out.

  I want my daughter to be happy and rewarded for what a great kid she is. I don't want a dog. What do I do? -- BAD DADDY OUT WEST

  DEAR DADDY: I would have suggested that you consider allowing your daughter to adopt a hamster or guinea pig, but they require a certain amount of care. A child has to be responsible enough to feed, water and clean the cage daily, and at 6, your daughter is not mature enough. Tell her that when she is older you will consider letting her have a pet. Cats require much less care than dogs do. Perhaps a compromise could be worked out at a later date.

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  DEAR ABBY: I am 75, and when I pass on I would like the undertaker to remove my six gold caps from my teeth. Then my wife can sell them to pay for my funeral. I think this will work out well. What is your take on this? -- ED IN FLORIDA

  DEAR ED: As I started researching "dental gold," I realized that while there are companies that buy it, the price your wife would get will depend upon the weight of the gold -- most of which is 16-karat -- and the current market value of the metal.

  Because of the nosedive that gold has experienced lately, I'm advising you to start saving up for your funeral now and to live long and prosper. My experts have informed me that most funeral homes are unwilling to remove fillings, caps, etc.

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  Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Write Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.

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  What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." Send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $7 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)

  COPYRIGHT 2013 UNIVERSAL UCLICK

  published Saturday, May 11, 2013

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