Miss Manners by Judith Martin
Type: Text Feature
Frequency: 3x Weekly
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Judith Martin's Miss Manners newspaper column - distributed thrice-weekly and carried in more than 200 newspapers in the United States and abroad - has chronicled the continuous rise and fall of American manners since 1978. Readers send Miss Manners not only their table and party questions, but those involving the more complicated aspects of life - romance, work, family relationships, child-rearing, death - as well as philosophical and moral dilemmas.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: In the last few years, I have become aware of a new custom in bridal showers that seems troubling: The bride lives across the country, and is coming to town for a bridal shower (or baby shower) hosted by a good friend of her mother's.
So far, so good, right?
After all the lovely gifts are opened, she announces that she will of course be returning each and every one of them, so she doesn't have to cart them home with her, which would be impossible. She intends to repurchase them when she returns home. There are, of course, some gifts that will have to be kept, but by and large, they all go back.
Somehow, this seems very offensive, and I'm not sure why. She sends a note and is grateful, but it all seems like such a farce.
Does Miss Manners have a solution? I admit I'm not sure how to solve this one, and I'm not even sure who is incorrect, the guest for feeling like her gift was returned, or the bride for creating the pretext of accepting the gift in the first place.
GENTLE READER: It may be a fraud as well as a farce. Salespeople in stores with bridal registries -- which by now must be every commercial enterprise with the possible exception of funerary monuments -- have told Miss Manners how it works.
The couple registers for all sorts of items, usually expensive ones, and returns everything for refunds. Apparently they believe that this launders their money-grab.
But even if you believe that the bride will purchase just those items she was given, it is still insulting to have sent her guests out buying. Miss Manners' solution would be to take back the rejected item and say, "Oh, dear, no, let me save you the trouble of returning it." You need not trouble her again.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Is it rude to ask someone how they know another person? I have a good friend who continually asks me how I know a given person, as if surprised that my path would have crossed with this person's.
We live in the same town, thus having similar experiences, and I don't understand why she is so interested in knowing my connection to everyone mentioned.
For instance, if I am at the same party she is, she will ask me how I know the host. Her inflection implies that she simply doesn't understand why I would have been invited.
It wouldn't be a big deal except that I am starting to feel that she is becoming competitive, and I don't understand why. It has become very annoying. Do you have a good answer to this question that would be respectfully appropriate? I truly like her and don't want to compete.
GENTLE READER: Then don't. This is only a common conversational ploy, much used by those who have heard that asking people what they "do" (or, in the case of people they know, what they have been doing lately), is considered offensive because it is used to determine whether they are important enough to talk to.
Miss Manners asks you to assume that your friends, and even the strangers whom you meet through friends, do not intend to insult you unless they can come up with something more blatant.
(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
published Thursday, January 12, 2012
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Dear EugeniaJudith Martin
Born a perfect lady in an imperfect society, Miss Manners is the pioneer mother of today’s civility movement. Now if she could only persuade people to practice civility as much as they talk about it.
However, her tireless efforts to expand the understanding and exercise of etiquette beyond the stereotypical terror of too many pieces of silverware on the dinner table have not escaped official notice. At a 2005 White House ceremony, Judith Martin was awarded the National Humanities Medal in recognition of her role as America’s foremost etiquette columnist and author.
Judith Martin’s Miss Manners newspaper column, distributed thrice-weekly by Universal/Uclick and carried in more than 200 newspapers in the United States and abroad, has chronicled the continuous rise and fall of American manners since 1978. Since 1996 she has been writing an additional Miss Manners column for the Microsoft Network.
Her subject was for years dismissed as an archaic frill to be dispensed with by a world that was much too busy to trifle with such niceties. Yet serving as the language and currency of civility, etiquette reduces those inevitable frictions of everyday life that, unchecked, are increasingly erupting into the outbursts of private and public violence so readily evident in road rage, drop-of-the-hat lawsuits, fractured families and other unwelcome byproducts of a manners-free existence. These unpleasant developments have bred a nationwide call from academics, politicians, writers of all stripes and the public at large for a return to common courtesy.
As readers accept her view of life, they have increasingly sent Miss Manners not only their table and party questions, but those involving the more complicated aspects of life -- romance, work, family relationships, child-rearing, death, as well as philosophical and moral dilemmas. In her columns and her books, Mrs. Martin explores etiquette’s philosophical underpinnings and its role in every facet of our lives.
Mrs. Martin’s writing aims to both instruct and provoke her audience, as numerous commentators have observed. “Judith Martin is The National Bureau of Standards,” states columnist George Will. She’s written “some of the toughest social criticism you are likely to read,” according to critic Charlie Toft. The New York Times declares her work “an impassioned plea for a return to civilized behavior” while Newsday says she is “a philosopher cleverly and charmingly disguised as an etiquette columnist.” The Los Angeles Times deems her “an authentic visionary” and her writing “a kind of study in cultural anthropology, even if she dresses up her field notes with artful parody and self-deprecating humor.” Writer Christopher Buckley calls her “an authentic comic genius”, and TIME Magazine declared, “Martin has helped transform etiquette from the realm of society matrons to a tool for everyday life.”
Mrs. Martin is also a novelist, journalist and frequent lecturer and guest on national television and radio shows. As a reporter, feature writer and critic, she spent 25 years at The Washington Post, where she was one of the original members of the Style and Weekend sections.
Mrs. Martin and her then-newlywed daughter, Jacobina, who teaches improvcomedy at Second City, co-authored “Miss Manners’ Guide to a Surprisingly Dignified Wedding” (W. W. Norton &Company, 2010). She is writing her next book, “Miss Manners Minds Your Business,” the essential guide for a civilized workplace, with her son, Nicholas, who is director of operations at the Lyric Opera of Chicago.
Mrs. Martin has also written 11 other Miss Manners books, including “Star-Spangled Manners,” “Miss Manners’ Guide to Rearing Perfect Children,” and “Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior,” as well as two novels. In addition, she launched a new web site in 2010 -- www.missmanners.com -- which includes the latest news updates and a link to submit questions.
Born in Washington, D.C., and reared there and in foreign capitals, Mrs. Martin is a graduate of Wellesley College and has been awarded honorary degrees. Judith Martin and her husband, a scientist and playwright, live in Washington, D.C. Their two perfect children, are now rearing their own perfect families.
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MOMS SHOULD LET OTHERS CELEBRATE THEM ON MOTHER'S DAY
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My daughter-in-law is expecting in July. However, she thinks she should celebrate Mother's Day now. I am a bit old-fashioned; I do not recall celebrating Mother's Day if you are only pregnant.
GENTLE READER: As the idea of Mother's Day is for mothers to be shown appreciation by their children, your daughter-in-law has a problem. Even though she is devoting herself to the nourishment and well-being of this child, she is unlikely to receive chocolates, roses or even a card from that source.
Miss Manners recognizes that two ungracious trends have fueled your daughter-in-law's wish. The first is that people now feel emboldened to declare that others must honor them. Typically, this is expressed in self-generated adult birthday parties and showers. Rather than waiting for others to be moved to organize such an event, the would-be guest of honor initiates it, sets the terms and expects the guests to pay the bills.
The second is the enlargement of Mother's Day beyond that of filial gratitude. That fathers should participate makes sense, especially when the children are young enough to require some guidance, and because he is an indirect beneficiary. But expectations have spread ridiculously. Miss Manners has heard from mothers who expect even their own mothers to pay them honor, and, in contrast, from childless ladies who are upset that acquaintances and strangers wish them a happy Mother's Day.
That your daughter-in-law associates the holiday with her impending motherhood does not bother Miss Manners. That she has seen fit to announce that she expects to be celebrated by others does. Why isn't she busy making Father's Day plans, instead?
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Should I get a Mother's Day gift for my girlfriend? She's not my child's mother.
GENTLE READER: Is she yours?
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I have a successful adult son who has been married for almost 10 years and has a young child, no longer a baby. We have entertained this family many times, especially for holidays and family get-togethers.
I feel that this young couple should reciprocate at least occasionally. Never once have they invited us for dinner or to their apartment.
Do I have a reason to feel nonplussed? I certainly invited my in-laws very regularly to my house, even as newly marrieds. My husband won't let me say a word.
GENTLE READER: He probably suspects that the words you want to say are, "We have entertained ... never once have you ... I certainly invited ..." and so on.
But the people you refer to as "this family" and "this young couple" are your own son and daughter-in-law. You could express interest, rather than bitterness. The words Miss Manners would suggest, to which your husband would probably not object, are: "Could we do this at your place sometime? We love having you here, but it would be fun to spend time in your home. I would so enjoy that."
(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
COPYRIGHT 2013 JUDITH MARTINpublished Sunday, May 05, 2013
A WEDDING INVITATION IS NOT AN INVOICEDEAR MISS MANNERS: My husband's niece was engaged to be married in the summer, but the wedding was moved up because she and her fiance decided they couldn't wait. Their ages are 19 and 18, respectively.
She announced on her Facebook page that they were getting married that day. This was the only announcement; no formal communication was sent out, even to family members.
My husband insists that a generic announcement to the entire Facebook world does not warrant a wedding gift, and I am inclined to agree with him. The rest of his family has been sending gifts. We don't feel we should be required to add to the general decline in manners, but we're also afraid that making conditional terms for gift-giving may be a breach of etiquette in itself.
How does one handle the unfortunate new etiquette of the Facebook age?
GENTLE READER: And how does Miss Manners handle the unfortunate misconceptions about the etiquette of giving wedding presents?
There is no such thing as an invoice for a wedding present. Neither a wedding invitation nor a formal announcement constitutes that. You give a wedding present because you want to indicate symbolically that you care about the couple.
Yes, there is a catch. That is that you should not be attending a wedding if you do not care about the couple (either truly, or because they are relatives and you are supposed to care), and therefore wedding guests give wedding presents. If you decline the invitation, or if you are not invited but receive an announcement, all that is required is that you send the couple good wishes.
So even if you had received a formal announcement of this marriage, you might have skipped the present. But remember that word "required." That means the decent minimum, which many people rudely skip, because they consider that an invitation is an invoice, but an announcement can be entirely ignored.
Your quibble is that not only were you not invited to a wedding, but you didn't even get a formal announcement. But look at the circumstances. An elopement is the least formal wedding, which is fine, and the couple chose the least formal way of letting people know about it.
So -- what is required of you? Nothing, if you want to pretend that you didn't see their posting, until you are told directly. However, an expression of good wishes is necessary if you admit that you do know of the marriage. Adding a present over this minimum would show that you care. Or that you want, for the family's sake, to seem to care.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Are the rules for teachers different? As a parent, I have sent in countless gifts to the teachers, with the giver listed as one of my children. In about half the cases, the teacher sends a thank-you to the child.
How I relish watching my children receive those thank-yous! It reinforces the lessons of good manners and the art of writing thank-yous. My children love receiving those simple notes. But I am deeply disappointed with those teachers who do not write thank-yous. Am I expecting too much?
GENTLE READER: Well, you are expecting teachers to set good examples and to understand, as you do, how much this means to children. As overworked and underpaid as teachers are, Miss Manners would expect them to feel the effort was worthwhile.
(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
COPYRIGHT 2013 JUDITH MARTINpublished Tuesday, May 07, 2013
DO THE CORRECT THING EVEN FOR THOSE WHO IGNORE ETIQUETTEDEAR MISS MANNERS: A rather despicable married friend has been estranged from her husband for years, yet they maintain a home together. She has had several love interests in the past few years. I suspect I've been used as her "beard" for some of her escapades.
I don't really wish for her to be at our wedding, but nonetheless must invite her. I despise her husband and he feels the same of me. Is it permissible to simply invite her? I know her husband will not attend, and I fear if I address the invitation to Mr. and Mrs. it will encourage her to bring a guest.
If I've painted a portrait of a woman who lives beyond the conventions of etiquette, I have painted well, so please don't say she'll have sense enough not bring a guest other than her husband. She will not, and I can't abide the thought of a married woman bringing a date to our wedding.
GENTLE READER: Are you seriously sticking Miss Manners with the premise that this person is your friend and you must invite her?
All right, but then she also accepts your premise that your friend is beyond the conventions of etiquette. In that case, if she wants to bring a guest, she will bring one, regardless of what you put on the invitation.
So you might as well do the correct thing and invite the couple as a couple. If a couple maintains a home together, etiquette does not investigate whether they are getting along.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: When my husband and I are invited to the home of new friends for a meal, the first thing that happens is that we're offered a tour of the hosts' house, from top to bottom. Obviously we are expected to admire their views, their choice of furnishings, their craft projects and so on. What do you think of this practice?
GENTLE READER: That such people should offer their houses to be on a local house tour, such as are given as charity fundraisers in the spring. If accepted for such use, the owners will be able to garner widespread admiration and/or criticism. If not accepted, Miss Manners hopes that they may come to realize that gaping at their possessions is not all that entertaining.
We are supposed to believe that the reason for socializing is to enjoy the company of others, not to admire -- really meaning to appraise -- their possessions.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I would like to know the proper etiquette for giving mother's rings. More specifically, is it proper to place the birthstone of a son who committed suicide in the ring? Wouldn't it be rude not to include it? Also, it is customary to present the ring as a gift for Mother's Day, but is that etched in stone or may it be given at any time?
I am desperate for the answer; the trials and tribulations that our family have endured this past year have produced a perfect time to honor my mother-in-law for all her strength and enthusiasm.
GENTLE READER: There is no specific rule about such rings, but there is one about recognizing a mother's children. Miss Manners assures you that your mother-in-law has not forgotten her son who committed suicide, and however painful her memories, it would be more painful to think that you have forgotten him, or worse, that you believe that she has.
(Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Universal Uclick, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.)
COPYRIGHT 2013 JUDITH MARTINpublished Thursday, May 09, 2013
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